Discover how ADHD and Autism Can be Strengths not Deficits.
Living with Autism and/or ADHD is not a Deficit
As a parent of two children and a counselor with experience working with children and teens on the spectrum and with ADHD, I hear all too often that children, teens and parents feel like living with ADHD and/or Autism and neurodiversity can be a deficit, but it does not have to be. I have seen, first hand, they are not necessarily deficits, but can be a sort of a super power.
I have a son with Autism who is “on the spectrum.” I also have a son with ADHD. They have truly taught me so much about life and people and the funky cool personality colors that unite us all.
My son with ADHD was called the “motorcycle” kid in elementary school. The teacher, who I assume was fed up, let him stand in the back of the class instead of making him sit at a desk to get him through his day. We learned that activity saved him academically. Movement reset him.
Later, the real healing took place when he discovered sports. Sports like track and football rewarded him with the physical rest he needed to focus. Now, he’s in college starting to figure it all out. Right now, he “knows it all,” but every now and then he reaches out for help.
My son on the spectrum had communication skills challenges from the beginning. As a toddler, we felt concern when he’d say maybe two to three words. But, about the age of three, we discovered the communication skills were there all along. He just needed time and space. We were driving through a Starbucks, and he surprised us with six words. From the car seat in the back of the car, he said, “I want a cake pop please.” We were stunned.
And, the same child that struggled with words meant he also struggled with behavioral concerns. We’ve had more than plenty of talks with school administrators. But it was because he could not communicate with words, he began to communicate with tantrums. Here are a few things I have learned about working with my child on the spectrum:
- Children on the spectrum are great thinkers and awesome at remembering details. My son can remember exactly where anything is in the house. He can’t actually see or find the floor in his room, but he knows where the head of the Lego guy is.
- Children on the spectrum have a hard time understanding sarcasm and will usually, though bluntly, tell you exactly how they are feeling. Sometimes it’s hard not to take it personally.
- Children on the spectrum may need to come up with ways to communicate when they need a time out. After long days at school, tantrums can be a new normal. My son broke things. He broke lots of things.
It seems he would come home from a day of “masking” or pretending all of the little noises and the act of “people-ing” was not too much, and he’d come home and let out all of his frustrations. It felt like my son was a little tornado. And then now in his teenage years–a big tornado.
- I have found that a code word helps. A child can pick a code word to say when he/she needs a break.
As a mom, I am all too guilty of asking too much when my child gets home. I want to know all about the day, and my son simply needs quiet. With my child using his code word, we don’t have those struggles. I am less likely to hear abrasive words. Instead he says our code word, and we have a lot more success communicating when he is ready.
- Children on the spectrum may struggle with sudden schedule changes, new noises, new people, and new social pressures. The first weeks of school are always a challenge. We have to announce the change, talk about the change, and practice the changes. This can help manage anxiety.
- Children on the spectrum need choices. When faced with pressure, choices help. For example, if a child refuses to eat his lunch, I’d give him choices, “If you take a bite, you can go play on the slide for five minutes.” Or, “you can do activity A or B to make up for the TV you broke.” Then, wait time usually helps as well.
Did you know that students with ADHD have the power to hyperfocus on activities they love? Because of that focus, this can be a great trait to use as a tool with academics. If a student is struggling to focus on a task, it does not mean the task is impossible.
Here are some tips for battling homework and projects with children with ADHD:
- Break tasks into short or no more than 20-minute activities. When your student completes the task, reward him/her/them. Take a break for ice cream, music, dance, a walk, or anything your student loves that brings joy. Then, tackle the next activity.
It might help to spread out the preferred homework tasks between the more difficult tasks. If your student loves to write, but hates math, let him/her/them write to get started, set a timer, and then after 20 minutes, let him/her/them tackle the math problems for a few minutes.
- Rewards and short goals do make things better. Students with ADHD need to feel like they can succeed, and the rewards for their efforts go a long way. When your child gets a “B” or an “A” or achieves a goal, set up time for celebration. Let your child choose the celebration. If the reward is on-target, the reward becomes a fantastic focal point.
If you need more tools or guidance, parent coaching can help you navigate these challenges.
I hope these tips help. Every child is their own person. They have their own fingerprints. They are unique. They are amazing.
Some days it may take more deep breaths, more etching to get to the surface of the troubles, but it’s always worth it.
Reagan is a Licensed Professional Counselor for Three Oaks Counseling Group. She sees clients at our San Antonio location.
